Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm Really Gone

This one goes to the tune of the Elvis Presley song All Shook Up.

Well, bless my soul, do you really think
That I’m alive and well working at Burger King
Didn’t you read the stories that I died in the john?
I fell off (boom) I’m really gone
It’s true, true baby.

Well, my fans are crazy. Tell me, what do you think?
Jim Morrison and I are living on the same street?
Tell me anyone who could keep a secret this long,
I wasn’t caught, (Proof), I’m really gone.
It’s true, true baby

Please don’t think that I’m well and fine,
I’m worth more now than when I was alive
And my little girl has put me to the test
She married someone who would scare me to death

She married the man they call The King Of Pop
If I were still alive, I would’ve surely dropped
But I’m glad to say she and he broke up
It wasn’t long, (ooh), I’m really gone
It’s true, true baby

My fans are waiting for me to speak
They see me everywhere every single week
But nobody has a camera that works just fine
Do you really need more proof that I’m not alive?

Just understand that the pills I got
Took me out, along with my big gut
So please stop overeating and taking drugs,
I was wrong, (mmph), and now I’m gone
It’s true, true baby
It’s true, true baby
I’m really gone

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

He Will Stalk You / We Are The Camera, Live at 10

This one goes to the tune of "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions" by Queen.



Honey, you're annoyed
With the pic boy
Laying in the street
You're gonna need a big man who's brave

Who's got scars on his face
To scare away
This dink who wants a picture today


He will, he will stalk you
He will, he will stalk you

Money for a young ma'am
Hard times, coming
Be discreet. You're gonna take all your meds today

You're on drugs, and he'll chase
For pics that pay
Weaving your van, or any disgrace

He will, he will stalk you
(Hit him!)
He will, he will stalk you

Honey, they have sold fans
More plans leaking
If your guys gonna take you to some big par-tay

Ya got coke on your face
He lies in wait
Til he gets a crack at your big pic of disgrace

He will, he will stalk you
(Click, Click)
He will, he will stalk you
(Show Your Body)
He will, he will stalk you
He will, he will stalk you
(No Rights)


We get our clues
Half of the time
From those with vengeance
Just bitter of your life

That's why we take
Those shots of you
That's why we run and click at your face
To sell to the news

(It just goes on and on and on and on)

We are the camera. Live at 10
So please keep on smiling. I need a Benz
We need a racy shot.
We need a flashing shot.
No time is too cursed
Cause we are the camera.
Flash us, girls.

You've broken your vows
And made some bad calls
You've got the fame and firecrotch
You know they sold undies, didn't you
Down at the mall?

But it's been said that you're dozy
You know that you're screwed
We'll constantly try to catch you all in disgrace
When you're drunk on booze.

(Killing the buzz you're on, you're on, you're on, you're on)

We are the camera. Live at 10
And we'll keep you frightened 'til you're dead
We are the camera
We will just hammer ya
Pose & smile for losers
Cause we are the camera.
Got ya girls.

We are the camera. Live at 10
And we'll be there hiding 'til you're pissed
We got the cameras
We know the path you're on
She paid for my pool, sir
cause I caught her with no panties on

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I Was So Wasted

Dedicated to everyone who experiences liquor related memory loss on New Years Eve.
This one goes to the Garth Brooks tune "Friends In Low Places"


I threw up on your boots?
And grabbed your wife’s boobs?
And ruined your white cats hair?

Where did I go?
I don’t even know
I just woke up in my underwear

And I was surprised
When the New Year arrived
And I wasn’t in the town jail

But now, I‘m mostly screwed
Not funny, royally tattooed
And I got more worries than bail

Because my friend
I was so wasted.
Drank the whiskey down
And then started chasing
Tequila Bay
And now I ‘m here to beg

Well, I was a pig
I crashed your places
I think I even punched
A couple of faces
Forgive me friends
I was so wasted!

Well, I guess that was wrong
When I fired up the bong
Again, I shouldn’t mix drugs with Coors

When I smashed out your light
Your Mom almost died
And she threw me right out through the door

And I didn’t see
Your wife’s new kitty
She isn’t still mad, is she friend?

I must’ve been high
Why does your dog seems to cower
When I come near him?

Because my friend
I was so wasted
When I hit on your spouse,
I was blitzed, let’s face it
I’m a fool today
I got a big headache

I know that some of my
Jokes were tasteless
Let’s just all sit down
Forget the court cases
I was an ass, my bad
I was so wasted

Monday, January 29, 2007

Who Raised The Flop

This one goes to the tune of Barry Mann's "Who Put The Bop"

I'd like to smack the guy
Who took it all
And made me go all in on a pair of queens

Who raised the flop, damn, the flop, the flop, the flop
Who put their hand in my damn gambling pot
Who gave the bump, oh, the bump, the bump, the bump
Who was the twit, yeah, the twit, the idiot
You'd understand
I'd like to break his hands
He raised and made me gamble everything

Where's that little turd (pow,pow pow pow,pow pow,pow pow pow)
Every chip went right into his account
And then he finished betting(damn him,damn him,damn him,damn him,damn him,damn it)
Now I've got nothing left to count

Sometimes I wish I'd known(looky,looky,looky,looky,looky,looky,you)
Give my money back. I am broke
Now, every time I want to(bet, bet bet bet bet, bet, bet bet bet bet)
I always think that I will choke

Darn thief,(stomp,stomp stomp stomp,stomp stomp,stomp stomp stomp)
It ain't funny,(catch your damn ding dong in your zipper)
And when I play(shit,shit,shit,shit,shit,shit,shit )
You know that I'm pissed off at you, you stupid stupid stupid dude.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Keep On Walkin'. He's A Creep, Girls

This one goes to the tune of Neil Young's song "Keep On Rockin' In The Free World"


He licks her on the feet
Then while he drools
He will stutter that they're sweet
He will steal her friggin' shoes

He has former wives who want him dead
There's a lot of people saying that he'd better payoff debts
Most girls won't date him, but I understand
Yo, he's highly perverted, he's a ladies man

Keep on walkin'. He's a creep, girls.
Keep on walkin'. He's so cheap, girls.
Keep on walkin'. He's no treat, girls.
Keep on walkin'. He's a creep, girls.

I've seen him movin' in the night
He's had maybe 9 or 10
King cans of Coors Light
(he can barely stand)
He can barely stand
(he can barely stand)

Now he puts that shit away and he's gonna have a fit
He'll waste his life, cause he's a dumb dimwit
He's a dumb, poor twit. Always take him for a fool
Never try to fall in love, ever with this freakin' tool

He's got a thousand wars to fight
With a hopeless plan
He's got a mind to fight you. He is not a man
He's got canker sores, and a toilet face
He'll stand up and box you if you're period's late
He's not a fan of people that are more his size
They'll knock him on his ass, that's no big surprise

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Dumbass On Weed


This one goes to the tune of Dire Strait's "Sultan Of Swing"
He starts to quiver in the dark
Keeps a lookout for a narc
Cause he's buying
An ounce of the best pot he's ever seen
From a dude that he's only known for a short time
He feels alright
When he finally gets that weed

Now he runs and he hides
So he won't see too many faces
Comin' in to be a pain
And bring his buzz down
He caught a vision of his shoelaces
Thought they were worms
His brain isn't that sound

When he looks down

When he says, "Now, I want Gummies now"

Look out. His car's an old Ford
It blows by all accords
Mind you, it doesn't always get him
From point A to point B
But that old car is all that he can afford
Cause he fills his pipe
Every day with that weed

Now Mary Jane is fine
If he wants to bake pastries
He better pray those brownies
Come out alright
He can screw up quite a lot
Just like anything
Baking that pot
On Friday night

He's a dumbass

He's a dumbass on weed

Then he proudly makes noise
"They're cooling right now. Place your order"
Skunks the best
In their brown baggies
With hairs of gold
He only puts a gram
In all of that scrumptious brownie pan
They want their money back
Or heads will roll

And the dumbass

Yeah, the dumbass stays real low

Real low, baby
(lead break)

Then the man with the cops
Says what's up on the megaphone
"Come out fast, or some damn bullets will ring"
Serves him right, he's been dimed, now jail is his home
But he ain't got class. He's a ding a ling

He is a dumbass

He is a dumbass on weed

Thursday, January 18, 2007

My Kids Are Freakin' Nuts

This one goes to the tune of Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust"

1. I see them daily on the street, with their pants slung way down low
Hopping along to a rappin’ beat, not caring what they show
Are they crazy? Are they nuts? My daughter really scares me
Her favorite song is called My Humps, by a group called BEP

My kids are freakin’ nuts
My kids are freakin’ nuts
They want an I pod and
They want an X box
My kids are freakin’ nuts
Hey, they want money too
My kids are freakin’ nuts

2. Maybe they think that my hard earned dough comes to me for free
I’d welcome them to take a walk out back and find that money tree
We’ve got rent to pay, and food to buy, we gotta pay utilities
“Daddy, can I have a car?” Well, only if we don’t eat.

My kids are nuts,

My kids are freakin' nuts
There's no if's and's or but's
We just may end up in a hut
'Cause my kids are freakin' nuts


Ooooh, no doubt.....

3. There are many bills that have to be paid, so don’t give me that frown
There’s the lights, the phone, the heat and the gas. Sorry to let you down
I’m Daddy, I’m not the bank. I love you endlessly
But $100 bucks for a pair of jeans! Ya gotta be kidding me?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Dang Crazy Dog

This one goes to the tune of Steve Miller's "Dance Dance Dance"
My dumb dog, he'll always try
To chase cars. How is he still alive?
That old dog, he's crazy too
He barks at the TV. What can I do?

I don't know, but he's getting old
He'll sniff your crotch like it's made of Alpo
C'mon, Rover. You're a pretty good dog
Just some things you do ain't right

Dang Dang Dang
Dang Dang Dang
Dang Dang Dang, Crazy Dog

He chews old socks, and underwear
Dirty or clean. He just don't care
He'll sniff your bum with great delight
And chase his freakin' tail all night

When my friends come over, they laugh and roar
Watching him drag his butt across the floor
C'mon Rover, It's a pretty gross one
To watch you lick your butt all night

I still love him. He's a pretty good egg
Just keep your eyes open, or he'll hump your leg
If you get up. he'll steal your seat
And if you move him, he'll pee on your feet

Just be careful when he kisses your face
His tongue's been just about every place
C'mon Rover, I love you, dog
Ya make me laugh every night

Friday, January 12, 2007

Make You Smile

This is a parody of the Proclaimers song "500 Miles"

1. When I write a
When I write a parody
I'll always try to write something that you

Will laugh at
Laugh at hysterically
Try to time out all the words too

Sometimes it screws up
Yeah, it screws up horribly
Even I gotta look at it and say p u

So I'll rewrite
And rewrite some more
Until I think that it's ready to view

But I won't stop trying to make you smile
And if you do, I'll write some more
Until I write the perfect song that makes you
Pee your pants, and fall on the floor

2. I know that
That I'm not Jerry Reed
Or Ray Stevens, or even Weird Al too

But I'll try to
Try to write some comedy
Laughter is the cure for the blues

The world is fightin
The world ain't too funny
The war is always on the news

So I'll take comedy
No one likes to laugh at tragedy
There's a fine line that's drawn between the two

3. When I check out
When I'm on the gurney
And when my skin is turning a shade of blue

Then it's over
My songs are history
I hope at least one of them got to you

When I walk up
Up to the Pearly Gates
When St. Peter says, "What can I do for you?"

I'll say I was someone
Who tried to make people laugh
And hopefully he says, "Good job, you can go on through!"

Monday, December 11, 2006

Mockingbird Parody

In the late sixties, A group of comedians in Canada called "The Brothers-In-Law" came out with an album that had a song like this one, but it's lyrics were using foreign sports cars for the words. I just wrote my own lyrics with the cars being updated for the people who are more familiar with cars being driven in North America. I claim rights to the lyrics only. The punchline was included in the original BIL album!
Hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddys gonna buy you a Thunderbird
And if that Thunderbird don't go
Daddys gonna buy you a Camaro

Now, if you're not a Camaro fan
Daddys gonna buy you a Chevy Van
And if something in the van goes clang, clang, clang
Well, daddys gonna buy you a new Mustang

And if that Mustang don't bring new friends
Daddys gonna buy you a Mercedes Benz
And if you're still not as happy as can be
Well, daddys gonna buy you a new Ferrari

And if that Ferrari doesn't come in black
Daddys gonna buy you a Cadillac
And if you're still not as happy as you can get
Daddys gonna buy you a new Corvette

And if a Corvette still isn't your choice
Daddys gonna buy you a new Rolls Royce
And if that Rolls still makes you balk
Well I give up baby. Ya can damn well walk!

Tribute To Tommy Chong 1

Sung to the tune of Steve Miller’s “The Joker”

Some people call him the king of toke
Some call him Tommy Chong
Some people call him a stoner
But not anymore, since the feds came along

He saw that the law was as crooked as can be
They said,"You're gonna plead guilty, or we'll charge your family"
So he does it, yeah, he does it and he goes and he does his time.
Come on, baby, I'll sure tell you what should be the crime

He ain't smokin'
He ain't tokin'
He don't feel like jokin'
Uncle Sam took away his bong

The feds dropped by
Not to get high
Just to blackmail the guy
They can't find Osama, so they'll settle for Chong

The narc's think that they just ruined his life
Lied straight to his face, and just twisted the knife
Now he's gotta say, gotta say that he ain't gettin' high
Come on, baby, let's hope that the feds are making him lie
Cheech and Chong merchandise is available online. The C&C link above the parody will take you there directly.